Asking for Help - From Pregnancy to Postpartum

“What is the bravest thing you’ve ever said? Asked the boy. ‘Help’, said the horse. ‘Asking for help isn’t giving up’, said the horse. ‘It’s refusing to give up.’

-The boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse, Charlie Mackesy

It’s such a shame that we’ve been conditioned to believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness, when often it can be what saves us. During pregnancy, it’s particularly important to practice this, so that when it comes to your postpartum period, you feel as comfortable as possible asserting your boundaries and asking for what you need. This might look like saying “No” to something you know you don’t have the energy for, or asking for a small favour from someone, even as simple as making you a hot drink.

This can feel unnatural at first, there’s no doubt about it! But the alternative might be feeling frazzled and exhausted by hosting visitors who turn up demanding to hold your baby while you make them a cup of tea and clean up after them. While this is pretty much the norm in our society - it’s not okay! We are NOT supposed to have it all together and bounce back within a few days/weeks of having our babies and in many other cultures around the world, they very much still honour and respect the new mother, looking after her through this sacred transition by making sure she is nurtured with food, herbs, bodywork, rest and help around the house.

Here are a few things you could consider:

🪷Think about the people you might be comfortable having over (if any!) in the first few days/weeks postpartum, and communicate this with your loved ones during pregnancy.

🪷Ask a friend to create a “Meal Train”, where people agree to deliver you nourishing food on specific days during the first few weeks postpartum.

🪷Put up a list of tasks/chores on the fridge that you can direct people to when they ask you how they can help.

Letting other people know what you actually need (rather than some fancy baby clothes they’ll wear a couple of times) can set you up for a more calm and restful postpartum period, as well as reduced likelihood of postnatal mood disorders.

This TED Talk by Amanda Palmer on “The Art of Asking” is worth a watch and really exemplifies the beauty that can come from asking for what we need. We are, after all, social beings who rely on one-another for survival, and there are so many untapped possibilities when we refrain from opening up to others with our true needs.

Having a postnatal doula is also an option, and I’d love to chat if you’re considering hiring someone for you and your family. We will put together a postpartum plan during your pregnancy that is bespoke to your needs and situation. As your postpartum doula, I will then be there for you in the way that you need in the days, weeks and months after you’ve given birth to your baby, ensuring you feel held physically and emotionally as you transition into motherhood.